On Book Reports......

Received from MM. Thanks! 

Book Report-Too funny!!! 
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My  Life' by Bill Clinton.. 
 
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
 
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
 
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton   :..... Cost - $29.99
 
Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton   :..... Over 3 hours to read
 
Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.. 
Clinton   :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
 
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton   :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
 
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton   :.... Ditto for Bill.
 
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. 
Clinton   :..... Ditto for Monica.
 
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton   :... Let's not go there.
 
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton   :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts. 
 
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton   :.....      Clinton   doesn't remember jack.
 
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton   :...... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either. 
 
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton   :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
 
 
 
 
 
 
      

Going Postal

This one is an original by me:

What do you call a Jewish Postal Service?

"Jew. P. S."

har har.

On Headache and Hypnotists

Received from MM. Thanks

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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?

Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks," What happened?"
His wife replies," Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,

stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.

"It worked! The headaches are all one."

His wife then adds, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist

and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the athroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Men are just happier!

Received from MM. Thanks!


Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple
creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have
to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood
all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can
'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Citibank's "Customer Service" for the dead

Happy New Year! Its been a while but lets try to get in the swing of things, If you have a good joke, email me at jacobdajew at gmail.com

Received from Yitzy. Thanks!

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This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet? (Priceless!!)

Bris Joke

From Yudi via Da Wife:

What do you call a bris that takes place on the 7th day of the week?

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Shabbos-Dick!

I dont want this job!

Received from DS, I'll pass on this job bro!

When you have an
' I Hate My Job '

day,

[even if retired you have those sometimes]

try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!